Welcome to Save The Humans
An Ivangelical Organization devoted to preserving the human species for the benefit of future generations.
Our purpose is to advocate the preservation of the human race so that it might survive into the 21st Century. As the millennium comes to a close (2001), the human species is in realistic danger of extinction. Scientist believe there are a number of potential E.L.E.s (Extinction Level Events) that threaten Homo sapiens. Popular theories include: Global warming, world wide floods, plagues, nuclear annihilation, pollution poisoning, ecological collapse, pestilence, doomsday weapon detonation, and of course, the ever popular "asteroid from the heavens" scenario.
We hope to prevent the preventable disasters through education, public out reach seminars, preventative programs, and various conservation efforts.
S.T.H. wants to encourage saving the Humans from total destruction so that they may serve the divine purpose for which God has placed them on Earth to achieve. It is our belief that Xist UFOs are in route to Earth from Planet X, and will arrive here July 5th to liberate our planet from The Conspiracy. It is our hope that a large number of humans will still survive so that they can be enslaved to serve our needs. Once these remaining humans have been fully processed (fixed, cataloged, de-beaked, inoculated and had their shock collars installed) they will be clean and easy to domesticate. Humans have already demonstrated their herd like behavior. They should follow their new masters loyally once the Xists have demonstrated their superior technology and fire power.
But there are some Subgenius sects that are too consumed by hatred and vengeance towards the humans, that they fail to see the value of saving humans for any purpose, even as slaves. These hate filled zealots would exterminate all non-subgenius species from the face of the Earth Farm, wiping it clean and destroying all vestiges of the pink's prior occupation. Like the Chinese Communists, they would annihilate any reminders of the previous regime through cultural revolution and murder. But think of the waste of resources, the needless vandalism, the national treasures that would be lost should genocide be allowed under such circumstances. Even the Nazis realized that to become a Master Race, one needed to keep some slaves.
Fortunately, there has been a recent development that indicates that certain renegade Subgenius sects may be willing to compromise and spare humans for historical purposes. This is a "break through" event, one that we hope will lead to an eventual reunification of all Subgenius cliches. Fore details on this dramatic development, click here.
Below are just some of the many uses that humans may provide in the future (assuming we're wise enough to save this valuable natural resource). Please read carefully and consider these points the next time some bitter Subgenius tries to convince you that the only good human is a dead human. Remind him (or her) that life on Earth will be DRAMATICALLY DIFFERENT once the Conspiracy is not around to protect the humans from Subgenius domination. The thirst for blood may be great on and before X-day, but once The Conspiracy is destroyed, the desire to destroy everything else will vanish like a distant nightmare.
Let us go forward into the future unafraid to remember the past. Let us keep the humans and use them the way Dobbs intended...
To Serve "Bob"!
Useful purposes for Humans include-
Experimentation: The human race is very similar to Homo subgenius in a genetic sense. They may not have the third nostril or the larger brain capability, but most of our DNA is compatible. If we destroy all humans, what will we have to conduct medical experiments on? Rats? Monkeys? Clearly, humans are far more suited to this task. And there will be less public outcry if the animals suffering serious side effects from cruel and unusual experiments are not perceived as cute & cuddly mice or monkeys.
Sexual Exploitation: They maybe pink on the outside, but the good news is that they're pink on the inside too! Why suffer all the emotional baggage of real relationships when you can sleep with a sterilized human and not have to explain where you were last night? S&M fans will especially appreciate the opportunities of using humans as partners. They can do literally anything, and not worry about being arrested. Subgenius laws will only apply to Subgenius's, not Sub humans!
Servitude/Manual Labor: Half the fun of conquering another race is lording it over them in the aftermath. Just imagine the fun you'll have ordering your former boss or landlord to clean the kitty box, or wipe your butt. Let them just try to make you feel guilty (that's when the shock collar is especially handy). No more dirty dishes to clean, beds to make, or lawns to cut. Just the life of Riley...
Historical/Research: Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it. What a chilling thought for survivors of The Conspiracy! But we can make sure The Con never rears it's ugly head again. We can keep a taste of it's vile legacy in captivity, as a constant reminder of the importance of honoring "Bob" and keeping his name holy. It may be easier to forget the painful past, but to truly make sure it remains permanently behind us, we must save humans as a timeless memorial to our conquest. Besides, we may discover more about ourselves by examining these primitive creatures. They'll look great in a zoo too!
Humor/Entertainment: Nothing is as funny as a good monkey show. Just imagine the fun we'll have watching the humans bumble around and preform their tricks on one another. Once they no longer have weapons at their disposal, they'll be as safe as pussy cats. Don't be surprised if you grow attached to a few.
Food Resource: No one likes to think of this one, but in desperate times, desperate measures are sometimes necessary. The fact is that "Long Pig" is an excellent source of protein. This should be of specific interest to Subgenius planners, since an extended space journey to Planet X may require the transport of high protein animals in limited containers. What better creatures to let roam the craft then humans who can be potty trained and actually fix a good martini (until needed for nourishment)?
Human Sacrifice: This used to be considered fun back in the good old days. But lately (thanks to The Conspiracy) it has fallen out of vogue. Fortunately, the dark ages are nearly behind us. We predict a resurgence in classical traditions once the age of enlightenment is upon us. But alas! What good are human sacrifices without humans? Sacred Subgenius rites would be reduced to using phoney effigies instead. Talk about a letdown... That would be like taking a shower in a raincoat! Don't allow others to deny us this simple pleasure by squandering a resource that is still in such plentiful supply.
Revenge: Why put them out of their misery so fast? Make them live and SUFFER.
Conservation: Sometimes it is good to save a species just for the sake of saving a species. It's true that humans have caused the Subgenius plenty of hardship in the past, but wolves and bears have been known to eat Subgenius campers, and no one suggests killing them off. It's good to retain the diversity of our planet by keeping all species alive, even sub sub-species that cause damage and require constant management. Imagine how destructive dinosaurs would be if they were still alive. Yet imagine what a tragic loss we would feel if our ancestors had the choice of saving some of those amazing (yet destructive) creatures and passed it up? Once they're gone, they're gone forever. Now is the time to save the humans.
(Frozen Dead image from Monsterwax)
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